Expressing Appreciation: Effective and Meaningful Ways to Express Gratitude

As a counselor, I cannot tell you how many times a day I talk to people who do not feel appreciated or valued by those around them. We live in a busy world and live even busier everyday lives. For many of us, thanks and gratitude is often an afterthought. We have special “appreciation days” set aside for celebrating and honoring our grandparents, bosses, teachers, customers, or spouses.

I am going to go out on a limb here and announce that I do not celebrate Valentines Day. The last time I checked there were 365 days in a year. Why decide to be extra grateful on ONE day of that year? How does that build relationships? So many people spend a lot of time and money to show appreciation on this one special day. What does it matter if we do not celebrate their gifts and qualities on the other days?

I have found that the most meaningful people in my life are not the ones that give me expensive gifts or buy me flowers.  Rather, they are the ones who connect with me at the heart. They value me and actively notice what I do to consciously make the world a better place. A famous writer once said, “We do not remember what people said to us, we remember how they made us feel.” The fact that we have the ability to touch each other’s lives in such profound ways is truly a gift. However, it takes conscious effort and skill.

So, how do we get this ball of human connectedness and appreciation rolling? It begins with communicating purposefully and intentionally about what we see that is going well. Noticing what is going well and saying it out loud throughout the day is the key. In Arizona we have a system of watering our plants called drip irrigation. It is basically a system of tubes planted at just under the surface that delivers several drips of water to the plants each hour. This is necessary to sustain life and promote healthy growth in the hot desert climate. If we provide specific appreciation throughout the day to the people in our lives, we too, promote emotional nutrition to the people we care about throughout the day. There are three techniques for illustrating this very concept. They are:

1) Active Recognition: Simply say what you see…

EX: Mary, I see you making the breakfast. I know it seems so very basic but it is a good start at filling in the communication barriers and helping the person feel noticed.

2) Experiential Recognition: Saying what you see and adding a value statement.

EX: Mary, I see you making the breakfast and that tells me you are on top of things and organized. Saying what you see and attaching value conveys that you see that person demonstrating values

3) Proactive Recognition: Saying what is NOT happening that can be held up as the truth of the moment. Valuing what the person is not doing, but could be doing.

EX: Mary, I see that Brent is crabby this morning and not appreciating the breakfast you worked so hard on. That is frustrating and you could be getting upset, but you are being so patient and calm. That is something I really value about you in this moment. Practice communicating in this conscious and purposeful way and see the relationships in your life transform!

Lisa Bravo, MC, LPC, LISAC, NCC 

(Reference: The Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook By Glasser, Bowdidge, & Bravo, 2006)