Authority Figures

If a child is responding to one caregiver while ignoring the others, it usually is a sign that there is a breakdown in communication and role definition between the adults in the family. A child who is exhibiting behavior such as this is telling you that there is something unclear or inconsistent in the parenting dynamics. It’s important to remember that your au pair is also a partner in raising your children during the time they are in your home. It is critical to present a united team whose main concern is the welfare of the children. For example, be consistent with discipline, daily rituals, expectations and providing praise or constructive feedback for the children. Consider the following scenario: If one parent works at home, what is the expectation for the au pair’s role if there is an argument between siblings or if one of the children gets hurt?  Or, when the parent/s come home, what is the au pair’s role at that point and if there is a change, how is it communicated to the children? Until the children get used to the rhythm of the day, it is important to remind them through clarification messages such as “when Mommy and Daddy are home, Jenny is off duty but she will be with us to participate in dinner and family time. If you need something, you can come to Mommy and Daddy for the rest of the night.” For young children, role changes during the day can be confusing. It is important to clearly communicate who is in charge as well as to remain consistent within these rules. Lastly, support each other in front of the children while having separate meeting times to discuss concerns and any changes that need to be made. Children need predictability and consistency; thus creating a united effort with mutual respect and purpose. Applying these approaches will allow children to respond with acceptance of all parenting figures in the home. 

Elisa Elkin-Cleary, LICSW
Cultural Care Au Pair Program Counselor